No Friend Zone

You know, I’m really over this whole friend zone idea strictly being a boys-only club. All these movies, songs and blog entries that paint girls as shallow cockteasers with a penchant to oversight their male friends over gorgeous yet asshole guys are completely inaccurate. They fail to mention that we like them to be mind-numbingly rich too.

Honestly, what’s with this “nice guys finish last” shenanigan I’m hearing about, as if guys were never guilty of committing the same crime? Some say that most guys simply aren’t. Apparently, due to some ridiculous notion roaming out there, a girl can get any guy she wants (given that she’s within a relatively appropriate spectrum of attractiveness) – especially if he’s a friend of hers.

A guy who has female friends will basically whip his penis out for any of them per request, depending on when the little lady wants it. It’s a common myth that’s been numerously elaborated from Chris Rock and Woody Allen, to the ever-intricate “ladder theory.” Well I’m here to say nay! If girls can bonk whomever they want, then my unsuccessful love life means that I’m some sort of exceptional boner murderer. Girls fall into the friend zone all the time, so here’s what you can look out for:

We will help you with your girlfriend problems even though we’re in love with you. If you were really just our “friend,” we probably wouldn’t care how your crummy relationship is going. Now what we would do is join in with all our friends to make fun of your girlfriend and talk about how big of a shmuck you are (sorry John, someone had to tell you).

But for some reason, if we like you, we want to give you a shitload of advice (despite what soap operas and “Degrassi” say). We like martyring ourselves in a sad-but-strangely-romantic-and-melodramatic sort of way by helping you out whilst holding back the waterworks. I don’t think there’s any secret agenda involved; we do it to convince ourselves that we’re so “over” the entire situation. It’s a sort of smug, “Look how classy and understanding I am, sucking up my own happiness to console you. This would be great material for a TV show or a Korean drama. I also look good in pastel colors and a low ponytail,” outlook.

Don’t expect a confession anytime soon. If it’s one thing a girl can do well, it’s biting her tongue. Not that we’re pushovers or we refrain from speaking our minds or anything (think on terms less political); we’re simply good at filtering our inner-monologue when we want to avoid a potentially embarrassing situation.

That explains why most of us don’t have this, “He just has to know!” mentality. Actually, I don’t think guys have this tendency either. It’s that damnèd TV again, with their scenes of some guy stopping a wedding or whateverthehell. It makes girls believe that guys are like that in real life. Sooner or later, we start to believe in the whole, “If he really loved me, he’d fight for me!”

Sure, there are some memorable scenes when a girl confesses her love: Julia Roberts under the gazebo in My Best Friend’s Wedding and Meredith’s famous, “Pick me, choose me, love me” speech in “Grey’s.” And what happened in most of them? Disaster. This has made me personally scared shitless of confessing my feelings. I won’t go into detail since I’ve already written about it, but to sum it up, most of these incidents ended in me crying while slumped over a toilet because I stuffed my fat face with too many Slim Jims™. God I love Slim Jims.

Do expect a disappearing act. Some girls are known for simply vanishing into thin air. We cut ties with the guy until we’re sure we’re over it and normal friendship can recommence. No one knows how long it will be for each girl but rest assured, she’s talking up a storm while you’re not around.

Which brings me to my next point – I’d love to hear about it! I pretty much am crap at giving advice, but I do love to hear a good story. So, let’s make it a date: I’ll be at the Memorial Union in front of the Quad this Friday around one o’clock. I’ve always wanted to meet some of you minions so come visit me. I’ll get out of my comfort level, shake some babies, kiss some hands and make it a day. Hopefully, I’ll see you there!

LYNN LA won’t get sore if no one shows up on Friday. However, it would further confirm her loser-status to her friends and she’ll probably cry herself to sleep. If you want to check it out though, feel free to bring some Slim Jims or your dog, and e-mail her at ldla@ucdavis.edu.